What My Depression Cost Me.

Published by knightofsteel on

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I have been depressed for a long time, longer than it is expected to last. A lot has changed in this time, I have gained some things, although few and I have lost a lot. Most of the things or people I have lost is down to my Depression and the effects it has had on me, how it has changed my behaviour, my outlook and my personality.  

This is going to be an emotional piece as I talk about how my depression started changing my behaviour in its initial stages and the consequences I had to face for having this disease. 

The first thing I remember that changed when I was being taken over by depression was the mood swings I had. I used to be euphoric at times, crying at others and unreasonably angry at few times. Anger was my biggest weakness at this time, I couldn’t control my emotions at that time and lost control over my words as well. Those mood swings cost me some of my closest friends, people, who in their own way, were right to leave me. I don’t hold anything against them, but losing them was a big shock to me, something I found hard to recover from and still struggle with. 

That’s how it started, with simple mood swings, something I hadn’t experienced before, something that was new to me as well. It didn’t take long to push me over the edge after that. Slowly I lost control over my thoughts and got pushed further into the pit of depression. There was even a time when I thought I would end up losing my sanity but fortunately it didn’t get so bad and my sanity is something I cherish as a quality within me. 

As time went on, I lost the will to stay in contact with my friends and drifted away from them with time as well. I was circling the edges of severe depression and losing my social skills with time. I didn’t talk to anyone neither did I meet anyone, I isolated myself but that is something that was down to my depression and a choice I had made when I was not in the right frame of mind. 

19 months on, I seem to have lost my ability to be decisive, to be quick in my thoughts and the ability to concentrate on something that required mental exhaustion. I was able to handle stress brilliantly in the past but as things stand I can’t even handle an ounce of stress without having a breakdown. I am not the same person I was before, not even a shadow of that, depression changed me, presently for the worse. 

When I went public with it, I could see how people had changed their behaviour around me, I lost the respect they held for me and this was he case with most of the people I met, not just a few. Mental illnesses are a taboo in my country and it became clear when I went public that I had made a mistake as I lost my respect and dignity in various social circles. I’m being perceived as weak and cowardly. Someone who couldn’t handle what life had to throw at me and instead chose to give up. 

I wish I could make people understand what depression is like, that it’s not just something I can handle by myself. It’s not a challenge of life to fight it. It’s a disease. An epidemic and the longer we stay quiet about it, the more people we lose to it.

I have lost a lot of my qualities and people that I couldn’t have imagined to lose, but the thing is I must stay on course to rediscover all the said qualities. To rediscover my mojo and get back into the sunlight, I am not saying it’s going to be easy or that it will be quick but I must keep my will to get better.

I must get better.

There are no other options.


10 Comments

Sunita · April 13, 2017 at 5:11 AM

Amen .
you WILL surely get the sunlight .
Bus himmat banay rakhna.
Where there is a will there is a way.

PurpleOwl · April 13, 2017 at 8:13 AM

Great post, I have every confidence that you will get better 🙂

Anonymous · April 13, 2017 at 8:38 AM

Mental illness is like any other physical illness. And of course you can recover from it. You seems to be very intelligent from your writings. The people you lost during you down phase , were not your well wishers. Don’t care about the people who can’t understand you. My all best wishes for you.

N. D. Gupta · April 13, 2017 at 9:48 AM

You have become more worldly wise after sharing your depression on facebook and got help from so many corners, may not be from the persons u might have expected. Without making your problem public on facebook or through ur blog writing, you won’t have been in position you are on today. Your courage has been your strength.

Delta Sierra14 · April 13, 2017 at 11:54 AM

Way to go my friend . Stay strong !

Anonymous · April 13, 2017 at 1:46 PM

The person you have lost were not your sincere well-wishers. Don’t give importance to those people who can’t understand you. Mental illness is like any other physical illness. And of course you can recover from it. You have a strong will power. keep it up….. You seems to be genius from your writings. In my views you are a special gift of God to mankind. You have courage to admit the things which society consider as taboo. My all best wishes for you.

Anonymous · April 13, 2017 at 8:31 PM

my previously posted comments were not visible till evening that’s​ why i posted them again 😦

JJ ODonnell · April 24, 2017 at 3:28 AM

Hello My friend. I know the feeling, I have been fighting with Depression for 20 years, While I was in the military I started drinking. When I got out i was sucked into a fake political group and using different types of drugs. I tried going back to school the first time I never graduated from there. Then the late spring of 2001 I became homeless and moved about 20 times in 2 years. In 2003 the moving slowed but I was never really secure in a place to live. It was not until after I was divorced in 2013 that I finally had a stable place to live. Thing did get dark for me as well. I ended up losing the job I had for seven years because of my depression. I also came out to my family that I was an Atheist, this did not sit well with some of them so I have not seen them in about 2 1/2 years. Then in 2014 I saw a story about Malala Yousefzia. Her story inspired me to fight just a little harder and push myself to get out there and do something meaningful with my life. Though I am not in contact with my old friends, who I care about still I just cannot be around them, I am getting out there and pushing through pain. I am now back in school studying to be a Social Studies teacher, in the Honor Society. Now I an trying to show myself and the world that people with mental illness can be productive members of society. Things do get better my friend I still fight it like hell all the time. Now I have a decent support system to help me. You might try going to a NAMI meeting to start getting yourself out there. They are good people and the groups are confidential, they can be a little intense at first. But as you continually go to the meetings thing could get better. Do not get discouraged if you fall, we all do I sure as hell did. It is how we handle the fall that makes all the difference. Try to notice what caused the fall and see what you can do to change it. I have faith in you my friend.

    knightofsteel · April 23, 2017 at 11:39 PM

    Wow thank you so much for that, hope you keep the strength to fight as well

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