The Loss of My Identity.
Have you ever been told to describe yourself? Have you been asked, How are you? What are you doing these days? I am sure these are easy questions to ask and answer, considered pretty general too. It is a general routine to ask such questions,
“Hey, How are you, Where are you these days, What are you doing these days, Where do you study/work.”
These questions help us identify someone, whether we know them from before or whether we have just met them, they are identifiers, they help us make a profile of the person standing in front of us at the said moment.
When it comes to me, these questions just confuse me. When my facebook friends ask me how I am, I just don’t know what to tell them, they obviously know I’m depressed so do I tell them the same again?, or do I tell them the general ” I am great, what about you?”?
Would that not be lying? Is it ok to lie in these situations? So many questions just start running off in my head and leave me in a state of confusion where I just stand dumbfounded with a dumb face standing next to the person who asked me this stuff.
Do you know how important the identity of a person is to him/her? It is a knowledge of self, knowing about where you belong, it indicates where your future lies, and what your past has been. Right after your name, this is what makes you who you are. So keeping all of this in mind, have you considered what it would be like for someone if he or she were to lose their own sense of identity? Like I have. Over the past 1 and a half years, I seem to have left no stone unturned to lose everything I know about myself and everything I was sure I was going to do. I am just so confused about who I am. You cannot imagine what it is like. Everyone asks you the routine questions but instead of answering them, you are always left in a state of confusion and end up looking stupid and crazy. Am I a student who is studying medicine? Am I a patient of depression who is trying to receive treatment but nothing seems to work? This is in particular a bad idea because telling anyone in India that you are just depressed means telling them you are lazy and can’t be motivated enough to do some work so you end up hiding behind medical illness, which I must emphasize, it is not treated as. It is a paradox of sorts. If you are depressed, you are hiding behind a medical illness, but depression is not consider a medical illness by the majority over here, so it confuses me even more.
Who the hell am I?
I hope no one reading has to go the crisis I am going through, the loss of one’s own identity. I am not a student of medicine, I can’t just be a person with mental illness.
I am no one.
That is what my designation is.
That is what is painful to me. I can’t be looking for bigger things when I can’t even answer something as simple as “Tell me about yourself” with any conviction or confidence.
What do I do? Who do I become?
Let’s see what the people can come up with.
Waiting for your replies.
Knight of Steel (No one)