#KoSStories: I hit the self destruct button…

Published by knightofsteel on

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Hello, so for the purposes of anonymity my name is DG. I’m 29 Years Old and From Portsmouth, UK

From the age of 5 to 13 I was sexually abused by my maternal grandfather. As a person believed to be straight it put a lot of questions into my sexuality. I lost track of what was normal when I was about 10 years old. I didn’t [know] what to think and this developed a sense of cover up. I lied about everything, even things I didn’t need to lie about. Moving on through teenage years, my school life was generally quite happy but I wasn’t popular nor isolated, I had a select group of friends. I’m an intelligent guy with full university education but my schooling was not the best. I fell out with people easy, I had a short fuse and it escalated with bullying, people used to push my boundaries and vice versa.

One instance I can recall is that someone had made a comment about my girlfriend at the time and I remember pushing him down two flights of stairs. I scared myself. I did calm down through the last couple of years of school but it had its dramas. I cheated in exams by copying other people[‘]s work and even entire essays, the last straw for me was 2 teachers actively bullying me for no reason. Which ironically I am now friends with one of them I have always known I’ve had some issues, mental[ly] emotionally, physically. I used to behave erratically and bipolar and most mental health disorders weren’t screened at the schools so there was no data from a young age. The more I look back however, I can piece it all together.

Over the last 5 years, my symptoms have gotten worse. I behave differently and I have noticed that when I get to a real state of happiness, I hit the self destruct button and killed everyone and everything off. I’ve lost the most amazing family I have ever been part of with my ex partner[] I’ve lost jobs. I’ve lost friends and been driven out of my own home. All because of my mental health. Doctors have said that i’m just a bit emotionally unstable…. An emotionally unstable person, doesn’t go out and take cocaine after declaring to the world he would never do it. An emotionally unstable person doesn’t borrow 10 grand to buy his girlfriend a new car and other luxury items knowing full well he cant pay it back. Sorry but there is more to it. My sex life became more promiscuous and dangerous. My most recent behavioural change and risky behaviour has stemmed from the loss of my ex partner in a car accident 3 years ago. This is just a few of the bad points in my life, I sought medical help after my partner left me back in June 2018 after cheating on me with my best friend.

The doctor gave me 4 boxes of sertraline and I took the lot. I took 78 tablets at 50mg. I had seizures, and I suffered a stroke in the early hours of the morning. Since then I have had 2 mental health assessments. 1st was after my overdose to recommend the step of support. I was then referred to the parkway center. After my overdose i went to my GP(doctor) and having discussed with 4 seperate doctors, they weren’t allowed to diagnose me but thought it was prudent that bipolar could have been an option. So they started treating me for it. 2nd assessment was at parkway which was the bog standard life questions and personality questions.

Now admittedly I didn’t want to reveal that I had taken drugs and a couple of other litt[le] bits. But it shouldn’t have really changed my diagnosis much. The conclusion of their findings was that I was just a bit emotionally unstable and that I could be fixed by talking with like minded individuals. Having already tried that before it doesn’t help. They also weren’t even focussed on my mental health conditions, they were more focussed on why I tried to kill myself. Me being me and adamant knowing what is wrong with me, and my past kind of reiterates that parkway have gotten it wrong, I decided to go to a private psychiatrist of which my assessment is tomorrow.

I also went out of my way to try and get evidence from people who have witnessed my episodes to show the drastic changes in behaviour and mood. So at present i have 4 doctors saying I am and a psychiatrist saying that i’m not…. So, how do i cope[] I don’t in all honesty, i’ve never really been one for coping i just get on with it. However, i do have an escape. I’m a songwriter, thankfully very successful. I have written songs with Billy Bragg and recorded a song with Frank Turner. Along with many other songs, I have recorded, I’m also working and seeking funding an album to raise mental health awareness album of which I have written in various states of my bipolar. It’s taken a while but its how I can escape from one world to the next.


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