How Lonely I Am.

Published by knightofsteel on

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We live in a funny world, it is hilarious at times, humorous at others. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, sometimes it infuriates me. I live among a billion people, 1.2 billion, that is what the population of my country as of 6 years ago. My province houses about 28 million people and my city about 300,000.  How many opinions does it take to form an opinion of yourself? How many people need to tell you what to do before you decide what to do, before you realize that all the advice you have been getting has been useless.

One day, I decided to share my problems with 8 billion people on the internet, I made my post public, I wanted anyone who could have seen it to see it and offer any help they may have for me. I was desperate and broken. I had lost parts of memory. I didn’t remember the places I had been to, I didn’t remember who I had talked to, what I had been doing, I even forgot few of my family members. When you read this, you don’t understand what it really is like, what it is like to see someone and not be able to recognize them, it is like you know the answer to a question but you can’t figure it out, like someone asking you what 2+2 is and you cannot tell them it is 4, you are incapable of doing that in that moment, and it breaks you down when you go through that. People will laugh it off, try to ridicule it, try to play it down, but it did happen, and it happened to me not to anyone else I know. The pain I have been going through, I have not been able to put it in words, it is a failure on my part but it is something I realize now, I won’t be good enough to describe this, no matter how much I do, I won’t, the pain is just too much.

So for a moment let us forget about the past and focus on what happened after the day I decided to share my problems with the public. I had tons of messages, mostly telling me I am brave enough to conquer my problems and get over them, some telling me to get over it, and a few telling me that my problems are not real and I should not consider them strong enough to hamper my career. I believe that it is not the first response to anything that should be taken as the real thing, it is always the follow up, the follow up is what the people really mean. It uncovers the truth from the people’s fake niceness on the first go, it is what we do after all isn’t it? We are always nice and cheerful when we first meet someone, but the second time is when we show them how important they really are to us.

SO let us start with the adults I have come across in this time, people who have had the better part of their lives past themselves, the people who are supposed to know better than us, the people who are supposed to understand life as we know it a little better than us kids do. The best idea they seemed to able to come up with was- WALK IT OFF SON, EAT SOME CLOVES OF GARLIC, MEDITATE, DO YOGA, DO NOT TAKE THE MEDICINE DOCTORS TELL YOU TO, PRAY TO GOD, VISIT TEMPLES and so on. Hardly 2 or 3 people out of the hundreds of adults who learned about my problems asked me about my depression and wanted to talk about it on the follow up too.

3.

Out of probably 150 people, doesn’t really work well for me, this percentage does it? And you know what it is like to hear about this from educated folk? The people who are supposed to be the top, cutting edge of our society? Medical professionals?

It takes your faith out of humanity as a whole, when people older than us have figured nothing out, what chance do we have?

Next we come to the young adults, who have just started their college life or just ended it, people who are going through the various stages of life in a hurry. The most popular idea among them seemed to be- LEAVE THIS CITY, CHANGE WHERE YOU LIVE, TRAVEL ACROSS THE WORLD, JUST CHANGE SOMETHING.

YOU THINK I HAVE NOT CONSIDERED OR DONE THAT ALREADY?

Here we had not one person who had been kind and offered help to me on the first go, follow up with an equally supportive message.

And lastly we come down to my friends, people I had shared my personal stuff with, gotten personally attached to, cared about, and the best thing is that these people didn’t even send me a message after my post about my depression so there was no chance of them messing it up on the follow through.

All I heard from them was silence

Absolute silence.

Their silence speaks a lot to me.

No message of support, no kind wishes, nothing to even tell me they were there or they acknowledged my depression.

These are the people I have surrounded myself by, among billions of people, these were what I chose or ended up being around. I am alone, well and truly. People don’t like to follow up to find out that there has been no progress, they don’t like to found out that nothing has changed, it makes them uncomfortable, makes them almost responsible or awkward to talk about it. So they just ignore it until it is no longer their problem. I understand now that it is just human nature, no one is different, no one is neutral.

This makes me powerless about what is going on and it is this feeling of powerlessness, this rage, the fever, that turns good men…

..

.cruel.


9 Comments

diariesofmysoul · March 22, 2017 at 2:14 PM

This is the first post of yours I’ve read and I must say, it resonates with me. The bit you wrote about friends not sending a message…that’s very relatable. It reminded me of a quote, “You can’t count on friends, they will always let you down.”
I hope you find peace soon.

thatthingcalledgrowingup · March 23, 2017 at 1:53 AM

I can relate to what you wrote above. I’m sorry but I haven’t yet been able to figure out a solution. I think of you a lot and I struggle with how I can ease the pain that you are feeling.
I love you

Sunita gupta · March 23, 2017 at 8:10 AM

Arre hum sub ke sath hote hue kyun apne aap ko lonely feel karte ho?

N. D. Gupta · March 23, 2017 at 1:35 PM

We (parents) are really concerned, watching all the time, pain of loneliness you are going through, trying to find out the solution.Probably few of your friends have ditched u which u could have never thought of. This is because of your sincerity and innocence that you seems to be so much hurt.But this heartbreak, we feel , will make u stronger and wiser.world is like that. But someday you will get real sincere friend who will love you as much as you love others. Seeing u lonely we are also disturbed, expecting this tough time to be over soon. We love u so much( from depth of our heart) but we are poor in expression. This u can see in our eyes only.

मनोज छाबड़ा · March 24, 2017 at 6:12 PM

भाई, अपने बारे में इस तरह लिख सकना आसें काम नहीं। अभी काफी कुछ पढ़ गया मैं। बस, अपनी कहते रहें।
पढ़ कर अच्छा लगा।

Sunita · September 5, 2017 at 4:00 PM

Sometimes we just can’t do anything despite knowing the pain that you are going through.hope you get some good company who can help you.

phoenix · September 13, 2017 at 11:56 AM

Your emotions just touched a cord of my past..
Thanks for introducing you to me..and good wishes for new beautiful souls in your life. May the light be always with you.

Sunil Patra · March 24, 2018 at 9:38 AM

God Bless All of Us

    knightofsteel · March 24, 2018 at 9:44 AM

    Indeed sir. We should look up to God’s blessings but we should not depend on them.

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