We always have moments when we remember something from the past and are left in a state of nostalgia or regret for a few moments but most of the time that is how long it lasts, just a few seconds. It would be way tougher or different if we had to face that situation for as long as an hour, for the past few days that is something I have had to deal with. Try and imagine yourself when you were at your weakest, when everything was going wrong and there seemed to be no escape for you. It is a struggle in itself to manage to come over this situation but the struggle that comes after that is another story in itself. When you have to control your memories and fight as hard as you can in order to keep your mind away from it, it becomes hard with each passing day.
I have been studying a little biology as part of my course for the past week and although I say that I don’t attend the class mostly because I already know the things that are being taught, the truth is that I don’t attend that class because I honestly cannot sit through an hour of flashbacks. The moment we start studying I get taken back to class 12th, now almost 3 years ago and how hard I had studied to remember all of this, then my mind comes to the start of my MBBS course in 2015, when my depression was just getting started and how tough it was for me then, this continues on to the next year and all the way up to the present. It is like recalling the complete journey and not being able to be at peace with it. This is something that I still seem to be struggling with. I cannot concentrate in the class and as it is the first class of the day I can’t focus on any other class after that either; this has basically been making the whole of the last week a different kind of struggle that I had not faced until now. I don’t think that not attending the classes is a long term solution, I am trying to find a way to deal with it and I will look for some other ways to try and control my flashbacks as well. I used to have flashbacks before this as well but they were never as bad as they have been now. It coincides with other things I have been having problems with so maybe there is an underlying cause for all this.
Flashbacks are hard, harder when they ruin your whole day and even harder if they make you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. I don’t like having flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to have flashbacks that are so life-like that sometimes I even find myself back in those classes in the same situation all over again almost as if it is a rewind on the whole thing. It seems like I will be haunted by my past for a little bit longer but I also know there will be some way I can deal with it, I will just have to look hard enough for it.