I have lived a long life, not as long as the majority of people, but still quite a long one because when you think about it, 20 years is quite a long time. I have met many people in this time, made many acquaintances, some friends and very few people I have loved. Today I would like to send a special message to everyone who has ever had to cross paths with me. If we hardly ever met or talked a few times, I am sorry that I may have seemed uninterested in talking to you, it may have been what the truth was but unfortunately unlike many people, I am not aware of how to carry a conversation or how to make small talk. I am not good at talking to people, I am awkward at best and overall a bit mean as well. If my words, or lack of them ever hurt you or made you feel unwanted, I would like to apologize to you.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I know what it feels like, you must have felt uncertain about yourself and doubted your own abilities to talk to a person but the problem lies, not with you but with me, and I am aware of my shortcomings and always trying my best to overcome them. I probably must have hurt you at some point but that is something I do a lot, I can’t help it, maybe it is just something wrong with me, but I truly am sorry for that.
To my friends, the only friend group I have ever had, the 8 or 9 of you, I am sorry I changed so much over the past months, I stopped talking and walked around like a statue. I am sorry I disappointed all of you by not telling any of you what I was going through, although that may have been down to the reaction of the people I shared it with, who told me to get over it and that it is something that happens with everyone so I should not pay any heed to it. That still doesn’t justify keeping it from everyone though, it may have seemed like the best choice at the time but now it certainly does not. Now I also know it is too late to be apologizing but I just thought it might be better late than never, Maybe some of you will manage to find some time for me in your busy schedules now.
Lastly, to the people I loved, I know I am not perfect, I have many flaws, too many it seems, if I could get rid of them, I don’t know who I would be, but atleast I know I wouldn’t be alone right now, I have hurt many people, some who even meant the world to me, it has been going on for too long, and it has been too much, I am only now beginning to realize the weight of my guilt which rests over my shoulders, and it is something I cannot take. I have apologized to you many times, it never seems to be enough, so I will just keep trying until the day comes when I will be able to tell myself that it is ok, or maybe the day when you do the same, until that day, I shall continue to apologize to you for some of the greatest mistakes I have ever committed.
So to conclude, I am sorry for every action I have taken which has led to the harm of another living person, every word I have spoken which hurt a person so much, it changed them and brought them to tears, and every emotion I expressed that hurt someone. I am sorry for not wanting this life, which has come to me after so many trials and tribulations, sorry for not appreciating the stuff I have, and sorry for being depressed even though I don’t have a right to be.
Maybe my current situation is just a fruit I am reaping for what I had sown over the years, that is if a thing like karma exists here. Maybe a clear conscience will help me fight through. Only time will tell. Until next time…
Knight of Steel.