A few days ago I uploaded my first teenage review for my 19th year on this planet. Now I bring you how my life was between 7th October 2015 and 6th October 2016 i.e. my 18th year. The year we turn is a weird time. We are somehow burdened with all these responsibilities and you are now expected to suddenly act and behave like an adult. I found it a bit overwhelming when I turned 18. I had been used to having responsibilities. They didn’t scare me but what scared me was that now I had to behave and it might seem silly but I was afraid that now I could be prosecuted as an adult and I had to watch my words and actions and be careful about them. I could no longer be care free. I used to question what made the courts decide 18 as the age of adulthood; I mean what is so special in 18, why not 16 or 17 or 19. What changes suddenly when we turn 18?
This was also a time when I was slowly losing control over my thought process and had started thinking in a way which put rationality and logic over emotions. This wasn’t that bad but it got bad when I started disregarding my own emotions and started telling myself that my emotions were somehow invalid or stupid. I hadn’t been able to settle in my new college; the college I had always wanted to join and now I couldn’t spend a day there without crying my eyes out. I was receding away from my friends and I just had this uncontrollable rage within me that I didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t know who I was angry at, or why I was angry but I just was.
Slowly it dawned on me that I now had to take a drop year. Something I had taught myself to be ashamed of and now here I was being forced to do it. I talked about what this was like here as well-An Underrated Achievement.
By the arrival of 2016, I didn’t have any control over what I thought. I had little control over my actions and I had no social life. I would sleep at around 6 in the morning and wake up as tired as I had slept. I did play football though, but slowly it ended up becoming more of a routine activity rather than something I enjoyed. I had started cutting myself and I had unstoppable suicidal thoughts. Everything seemed to be going wrong until March, 2016. That was the time Batman vs Superman came out and although not immediately, that was a movie that ended up giving me the tiniest rays of hope and that things could get better. This was the only bright spot in my whole year. I had gotten into another college but the fact I couldn’t settle at the place I really liked was devastating for me. I didn’t understand what was going wrong. This was the time when things should have started getting better but they didn’t. I started figuring out that there might be something seriously wrong with me but I didn’t accept it then.
All in all this continues to be the darkest year of my life. When everything was going wrong and I was totally isolated. Guilt had taken over me and I just couldn’t wait to end it all. I wanted to punish myself in the most painful ways possible and I was always trying out something new to hurt myself. I felt hollow. I just sat in a corner of my room and stared at a screen all day wasting away my first year as an adult.
I really hope no one ever has to see a year like that in their life and if you feel like you are going through something similar, I will just say that it can get better. It won’t happen by itself but it is possible. You will have to work for it, you will feel hopeless, worthless and lifeless but that does not need to be the end.