I have only ever had one group of friends. It was not a big one, just about 4 or 5 people. People I could rely on, talk to and other stuff friends share among each other. Ever since I have gone public about my depression, I have talked about hwo my friends refused to help me at the time when I needed it the most or just came up with small quips which would help them feel better about themselves but not really help me much. Today I write this letter to them, wanting to share what they put me through and why they make it hard for me to be friends with someone again.
You know if you are one of those 4 or 5 people, you know me well enough to know whether I am talking about you or not. To the other readers reading this, the general public, I know I should try to look at stuff from other people’s perspective as well. That is what I have been doing for the past 19 months, looking at other people’s POVs and staying silent about my own. Today I wish to speak about my POV, today, I wish to be heard, to see the things from my perspective, to be compassionate and empathetic, that is what I want from you for once.
When a person is going through a tough time, the normal response is to talk to your friends or family about it. When it came to solving my problems, I mostly relied on my friends to be solving them, or helping me get through them for me. I was the last one of our group to join a college, about a month or so late than all of you, by that time all of you had made friends at your new colleges and had settled in pretty well. I was struggling in my new place, I reached out to you, but you couldn’t carve out any time I needed to help me settle in. That was disappointing, but understandable, you had made new friends, you were new to your college life, and you didn’t have much time for anyone else. Little did I know that that was only the beginning of it all.
Once I accepted to myself, that what I was going through was depression, I again tried to reach out to you, no matter how hard it was, I still tried to reach out and ask for help, ask for someone to be kind enough to listen to the storm I was going through. The response I got at that time really shook me up, although I didn’t think it was possible. My closest friends, you, were telling me you didn’t really want to help, telling me to get a life, to get over it and other such idiotic advice I never expected from smart people like you. I have always found that part to believe, maybe I still don’t believe it but it did happen.
I am not a big fan of screenshots, but I thought it’s time I show some proof to so many of my dramatic claims as well. I am not taking any names here, I don’t need to, you know if I am talking about you, if you know me well, you know who I am talking about. It’s not that I am scared of taking names, or apprehensive about it, It’s just something I don’t really need to do. The worst thing is this wasn’t even the worst of the responses, some of you, didn’t even think my problems were important enough for a reply. So you just chose to ignore everything. After all, if you don’t have to deal with something, it stops existing. Right?
Now if I sit down to count out everything you did, it would be too much and too boring for everyone else to read. So I will just say this, you made some choices and I had to face the consequences of your choices and how I have wished for months wishing I could display what effect your choices and actions had on me, wishing you could face some consequences of your own, that you were held accountable for your mistakes, but as it stands, all of that is just a distant dream. As it stands, I don’t think you even agree that you made some mistakes. I am not going to say it was all your fault, I had shortcomings too, but what I will say is, if you hadn’t been as apathetic and indifferent to my problems, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did.
Now obviously, the reaction to reading this would be that I am just being overly dramatic or over sensitive or whatever you decide to tell yourself to convince yourself that it wasn’t your fault, that you had nothing to do with it, that you couldn’t have done better, the fact remains, you could have done so much more, if you were willing to be a better friend.
So, in what will probably be the last words I speak to you, the price you paid for your apathy could have been so much worse, so much more, but since it wasn’t, maybe you will never realize what effects you had on me, maybe you will never understand, maybe you will never be able to imagine it, but then again, it’s not my job to do that now, I am tired of trying now, I want some peace, I want to relax and this is how I will have to do it. Alone.
Goodbye and Thank you.