How did it get so far? Everything started as such a small issue. When did it get so blown out of proportion? When did the small sad part of my day became a vacuum that occupied my whole day? So many questions keep going through my mind, as I long for answers, every second of every day.
I used to smile and laugh, frown and weep, argue and support but now I feel nothing. Now smiling is just an exercise of my facial muscles that I am forced to practice regularly. I cant cry when I wish to, no matter how much I want to, I can’t cry or be happy or display any other emotion without practicing it for hours beforehand. I don’t have the energy to argue or support anyone, for that is what I need at the present, some support from any corner, and every day I wonder, How did it get so far?
I used to enjoy my time around friends, old and new, I never talked much but I silently enjoyed their company. I used to enjoy playing and exercising, dripping with sweat used to fill me with joy but now I feel nothing. I dont know how to talk to someone, how to carry a conversation, how to be polite and nice or anything an average person would be able to do.I only talk to someone after running over all the possible ways the conversation could go and being prepared for it and practicing it over and over in my head. Now I am just a shadow of my former self, nervous and unsure of myself. Now I get triggered and go moot if I hear one word, one name, and I just ask myself, How did it get so far?
My beautiful dreams about my friends and family, my future self , my old memories have turned into nightmares of me hurting myself, attempting to kill myself and every possible pain a person could endure. This is my every day, every moment for the past 18 months, the pain I have suffered, still remains unspoken in these words but now atleast I am speaking out.
My nightmares make me scared of going to sleep, for I know the nightmares will come back to haunt me and there is nothing i can do to stop them, and again, among the thousands of questions running in my head, I ask myself, How did it get so far?